10 Horrible Things You Did Not Do This Year

December 20, 2011

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10 Horrible Things You Did Not Do This Year:
Proof that You’ve Been Good

By De Kenyon

Every holiday season, some adult is going to ask you, “Have you been good?” in that special tone of voice that makes you wonder if every adult is an idiot…or just this one. These are the same people who a) want to spank you for your birthday, or b) want to know what you’re going to be when you grow up, like ten years from now.

So we at Kindle for Kids have prepared this list of quality answers to “Have you been good this year?” for your convenience in answering relatives, your parents’ so-called friends, and other annoying adults who try to pinch your cheek, pat your head, or exclaim, “My! How big you’ve grown!”

Question: “Is Santa going bring something good for you this year?”

Answer:

  1. “I was going to spread peanut butter all over my teacher’s chair on Friday, but I didn’t, so that means I must have been pretty good this year.”
  2. “Mom said we should learn more about other cultures. I learned that in Brazil, queen ants are considered a delicious snack. Did you want a chocolate ball? It’s a delicious snack…”
  3. “I didn’t call mom/dad at work pretending to be a kidnapper asking for my ransom this year, even though I didn’t get what I wanted for my birthday. I thought that was very good of me, don’t you?”
  4. “I haven’t glued anyone’s homework to their face at school this year, not even the bullies! Isn’t that great?”
  5. “I didn’t make any mouse cubes to drop into people’s sodas this year, so I think that’s a yes.”
  6. “I didn’t tie a string over the top of the stairs for the third year in a row! Once again, nobody tripped and broke their leg. Thank you, thank you!”
  7. “None of my little brother/sister’s stuffed animals were killed in mysterious accidents this year…yet. MUAHAHAHAHA!”
  8. “This year, I didn’t suggest a contest to see how many peanuts the Kindergarteners could put up their noses during lunch. My teacher was very proud of my improvement.”
  9. “No bugs, snakes, rotten fruits or vegetables, boogers, mud pies, dog poo, mouse traps, or firecrackers have been left under the blankets of any guests this year. Although I can’t say anything about spiders.”
  10. “At first I thought, ‘I’m not getting anything good this year, so I might as well roll a giant snowball onto the house.’ But then I heard what you were getting me, so I changed my mind. But I can always give it a good push if it turns out my sources were wrong.”

Feel free to be creative! Just make sure that the adult is not drinking anything while you answer, or you may get eggnog sprayed all over your face. As always, be ready to duck and run from any adults who can’t appreciate a holiday smartypants.

* * *

Many thanks to De (and her daughter) for supplying this post. You can find De’s book, Tales Told Under The Covers: Zombie Girl Invasion & Other Stories here.


A Christmas Wish

December 15, 2011

What do you wish for this Christmas? What presents are you hoping Santa Claus will bring you? A PlayStation, perhaps? A new phone, a pony, a Nintendo Wii, a DVD, a Kindle, a bike, or a doll?

Best Ever Present

The best Christmas present I ever got was a set of encyclopedias (I’d wanted a Beatles record, but I got that for my birthday eight days before Christmas Day). There were eight volumes in the set of thick, heavy books, all filled with glossy pages full of pictures and illustrations. It was magical. In those days, long before computers and the internet, these books were my search engine, my own Wikipedia. I trawled through them for hours, lying on the floor of my bedroom, as they took me to far off lands, showed me clever inventions, introduced me to famous people and fabulous creatures – did you know an octopus has two hearts? –  and led me into the depths of space. There were fold-out pages with maps, pictures of different dinosaurs, costumes  and fashions through the ages, and illustrated diagrams of the Solar System and star charts. I used them so much, for pleasure as much as for homework, that eventually they became tatty and dog-eared. It didn’t matter – to me they were old friends, somewhere to escape to when mum started yelling, or my brother was being a pain or I’d just had an argument with my best friend and she wasn’t talking to me any more.

Gifts To Last

I know I’ll never get another Christmas present like it, but the knowledge I gained from its bright, shiny pages will last me for a lifetime. I still miss it now I’m older, somehow searching on Google isn’t the same as flicking through the pages of a proper book, and often regret that my parents got rid of it when I married and moved away.

Whatever your gifts this Christmas, I hope you receive at least one book. With any luck it will become as welcome a companion to you as that encyclopedia was to me and fill your mind with wonder. Have a wonderful Christmas time!


New Authors Added

December 6, 2011

We are delighted to include Debi Faulkner, Simon Haynes and Walter Eckland to our growing list of authors on Kindle for Kids.

Debi has also written Murphy’s Law, a middle grade book for 8-10 year olds (mostly girls), and LilyPad Princess  a young reader aimed at 7-9 year olds (mostly girls). Click here to see Debi’s book on Kindle for Kids

Simon is the author of the acclaimed Hal Spacejock and Hal Junior series of books including The Secret SignalIn his spare time he also writes computer software.

Walter has written two books about Corie. Besides the on listed here, you might also like Corie Castle Builder.

We now have fourteen authors at Kindle for Kids and more coming in the near future, so don’t forget to come back and visit us again soon.

Happy reading.

Lynda

 


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