10 Horrible Things You Did Not Do This Year

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10 Horrible Things You Did Not Do This Year:
Proof that You’ve Been Good

By De Kenyon

Every holiday season, some adult is going to ask you, “Have you been good?” in that special tone of voice that makes you wonder if every adult is an idiot…or just this one. These are the same people who a) want to spank you for your birthday, or b) want to know what you’re going to be when you grow up, like ten years from now.

So we at Kindle for Kids have prepared this list of quality answers to “Have you been good this year?” for your convenience in answering relatives, your parents’ so-called friends, and other annoying adults who try to pinch your cheek, pat your head, or exclaim, “My! How big you’ve grown!”

Question: “Is Santa going bring something good for you this year?”

Answer:

1. “I was going to spread peanut butter all over my teacher’s chair on Friday, but I didn’t, so that means I must have been pretty good this year.”
2. “Mom said we should learn more about other cultures. I learned that in Brazil, queen ants are considered a delicious snack. Did you want a chocolate ball? It’s a delicious snack…”
3. “I didn’t call mom/dad at work pretending to be a kidnapper asking for my ransom this year, even though I didn’t get what I wanted for my birthday. I thought that was very good of me, don’t you?”
4. “I haven’t glued anyone’s homework to their face at school this year, not even the bullies! Isn’t that great?”
5. “I didn’t make any mouse cubes to drop into people’s sodas this year, so I think that’s a yes.”
6. “I didn’t tie a string over the top of the stairs for the third year in a row! Once again, nobody tripped and broke their leg. Thank you, thank you!”
7. “None of my little brother/sister’s stuffed animals were killed in mysterious accidents this year…yet. MUAHAHAHAHA!”
8. “This year, I didn’t suggest a contest to see how many peanuts the Kindergarteners could put up their noses during lunch. My teacher was very proud of my improvement.”
9. “No bugs, snakes, rotten fruits or vegetables, boogers, mud pies, dog poo, mouse traps, or firecrackers have been left under the blankets of any guests this year. Although I can’t say anything about spiders.”
10. “At first I thought, ‘I’m not getting anything good this year, so I might as well roll a giant snowball onto the house.’ But then I heard what you were getting me, so I changed my mind. But I can always give it a good push if it turns out my sources were wrong.”

Feel free to be creative! Just make sure that the adult is not drinking anything while you answer, or you may get eggnog sprayed all over your face. As always, be ready to duck and run from any adults who can’t appreciate a holiday smartypants.

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Many thanks to De (and her daughter) for supplying this post. You can find De’s book, Tales Told Under The Covers: Zombie Girl Invasion & Other Stories here.